This is something I never expected. In all my imaginings of my future life, I never, ever foresaw trouble becoming pregnant. I expected trials in my life, don't get me wrong, but I certainly never expected the trial of infertility. I supposed I expected . . easy trials. Don't we all?
I never expected to be writing a blog marking two years of being off of birth control and trying to become parents.
I never expected the diagnosis of Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome resulting in anovulation. Innumerable trips to the stirrups for ultrasound after ultrasound. One surgery. So much bloodwork (seriously, so much). Conceiving on our first round of Clomid. An ectopic pregnancy. A miscarriage. A shot in each bum cheek at the hospital. A hysterosalpingogram. More Clomid. A ruptured cyst. Being referred to a fertility clinic. More ultrasounds, more Clomid. HCG trigger shots. More blood work. My husband having to subject himself to testing. Hot flashes. Mood swings. Tears and anger and stress heartache. And lots of money to boot!
I never expected for words like uterus, uterine lining, Fallopian tubes, ovaries, eggs, period, menstrual cycle, timed intercourse, PreSeed, etc. to be so normal and common and every day. I never expected my vocabulary to be filled with things like TTC, DH, FS, BD, 2WW, AF, BBT, hCG, BFN, BFP, B/W, CD, HSG, LH, CM, DPO, U/S, SA, POAS, PG, PCOS, EWCM, FMP, FSH, HPT, OPK, AI, IUI, IF, M/C, and O. And I certainly never expected our fertility doctor to say that if our next step in aggressiveness doesn't work after 3 rounds, it's time to think about IVF. Heck, I never expected to have a fertility doctor.
Thus far, we have completed some time trying on our own and 3 rounds of Clomid at 50 mg. With the fertility clinic we have done one round of Clomid at 100 mg and one at 150 mg, both followed by an hCG trigger shot on the day of an LH surge or on CD 15. The 150 mg cycle also included Estrogen supplements.
After this past cycle didn't work out, our doctor at the fertility clinic wanted to have a re-consultation with us. We post-poned our vacation one day knowing that we would stress about it all weekend if we didn't go, and met with Dr. W on Friday. He would like us to try a new drug, Femara, followed by an hCG trigger shot, followed by intrauterine insemination (IUI). My hopes are high, yet I try to temper them, knowing that this could be just another up/down on the hope/despair cycle. But it could also be something else . .
I never expected to watch my friends become pregnant, have babies, and then do it over again . . and to feel so left out. Infertility is an incredibly lonely and isolating experience. I feel invisible and unacknowledged. It is heart-breaking; it is full of ups and downs; it is stressful; and if you haven't gone through it . . you just don't get it. Going to church is so hard. Social situations are so hard. Listening to people's well-meaning, yet insensitive advice is so hard.
What to say to someone/a couple struggling with infertility is a topic for another day, but I will say here that being told that we're young and being told to be patient are the worst things ever. Yes, we are young, but we want this! We want to be parents, and we have wanted for this for 2 years! Yes, patience is a virtue, but we have an actual problem. We could be patient for 10 years, but without help, we are probably not going to get pregnant.
I never expected this trial, and I know that Ben didn't either. Although I often can't see it, I know that all of my trials will be for my good. I know that I am being refined in the Refiner's fire. My faith is growing and I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that my trials can help me to be compassionate and loving and help others in their times of trial.
Ben and I are doing this together, and what strength that knowledge brings! How grateful I am to have him! We can "gut it out" together! I know that I am so loved by so many, particularly my family. My gratitude and love for them and their support grows by the day.
I don't know when this privilege will be ours, but I (try to) have hope and faith that that day will come. Who knows . . maybe now that I've blogged about it, it will happen right away!
I know there are some for whom this blog is just too much information, too personal. And that's okay. But I need to be seen and I need to be heard. Infertility sucks.
.JPG)
11 comments:
Oh I love you Karin! So brave for being so vulnerable and being opening up about this. You are in our prayers and thoughts always! I love hearing from you and I think you are doing awesome. You guys rock, even if you don't feel like it at times. :)
Karin! I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I feel like I am hearing of more and more people that have had to face this awful trial, and my heart breaks thinking about that pain that I know I will never be able to fully understand. I so hope that you will be able to get your baby one way or another! And hopefully soon. I love you dear!
It's so heartbreaking to hear you say all this! We love you and keep you in our prayers! Just so you know I've been getting your last name right on the roll so maybe that will finally help! :) I wish there were more i could do for you. I admire you and your courage. Love you!!
I've been thinking about you lately! Hope you guys are doing good :). We care so much about you and know that this situation is so so hard. You're amazing. I don't know what the future holds, but there's hope! We love you.
You two--sooo many love you, including us. You have been in my prayers, my fasts, and my thoughts. I don't know why exactly, but you seem to be on my mind throughout the day. I've gone through those trials that feel so isolating (let's talk sometime). I'm not going to say, "Don't feel alone! You're not alone!" because logically, you already know that. I just want to say, it's OK to feel that way. Go through those emotions--it's better than numbing yourself. You don't need advice, but feel free to pass on some! I'd love to read that potential post on what to say. Also, how you get through something like this where your faith is really tried. Even if I don't know how your particular trial feels, I'd like to learn from how you are pushing through it and apply that to my own issues. You both are amazing, amazing people. I so admire how open you are and I know that helps others. We love you!
Thanks for sharing Karin! I think about you often and wonder how things are going for you with all of these medical procedures that you wrote about.
We will keep you in our prayers, and fasting!
You and Ben make an awesome team!!! I'm so glad you have each other as you are going through this trial.
We love you!
I don't really have anything insightful to say. If I was with you, I think we could just sit in silence for a bit, maybe cry with a few "it's not funny but somehow I'm trying to laugh" moments, then I'd hug you and still have nothing good to say. But I'd love you. And you'd get that.
Like other have said, you are in our thoughts and prayers often too. I bet there are more people than you even know praying for you. We think the world of you and want to be a better support. Teach us how we can help. Xoxo.
I wish this passionate well written post were just an excercise in some fictional writing course and not real life. You'd receive an "A+." You got me. And, you taught me. You are brave and honest and I sure love you. Life was easier when you and Anne Marie were spending the night at our home and making homemade soap as little girls. My prayers just got a little longer today...love you guys.
Karin, thank you for this sweet, tender, heartfelt post. Count Randy and I among the many who think about you constantly, and petition Heavenly Father multiple times a day on your behalf. You are brave and strong to open up your wounded heart through the sharing of your deepest feelings. I love you.
We have the same issue of infertility. First blog I have ever read. Hope you both are doing well
Post a Comment