memorial day in cambria

 Memorial Day at the beach house in Cambria!  What could be better?!

We walked and tide-pooled.

And looked at whales, seals, and otters.

We celebrated Mom's birthday!  Woo!

And ohmygoodness, I love this family of mine!  Wish Dad was in front of the camera instead of behind.  And Scott will be home in 45 days!

on infertility and expectations

This is something I never expected.  In all my imaginings of my future life, I never, ever foresaw trouble becoming pregnant.  I expected trials in my life, don't get me wrong, but I certainly never expected the trial of infertility.  I supposed I expected . . easy trials.  Don't we all?

I never expected to be writing a blog marking two years of being off of birth control and trying to become parents.

I never expected the diagnosis of Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome resulting in anovulation.  Innumerable trips to the stirrups for ultrasound after ultrasound.  One surgery.  So much bloodwork (seriously, so much).  Conceiving on our first round of Clomid.  An ectopic pregnancy.  A miscarriage.  A shot in each bum cheek at the hospital.  A hysterosalpingogram.  More Clomid.  A ruptured cyst.  Being referred to a fertility clinic.  More ultrasounds, more Clomid.  HCG trigger shots.  More blood work.  My husband having to subject himself to testing.  Hot flashes.  Mood swings.  Tears and anger and stress heartache.  And lots of money to boot!

I never expected for words like uterus, uterine lining, Fallopian tubes, ovaries, eggs, period, menstrual cycle, timed intercourse, PreSeed, etc. to be so normal and common and every day.  I never expected my vocabulary to be filled with things like TTC, DH, FS, BD, 2WW, AF, BBT, hCG, BFN, BFP, B/W, CD, HSG, LH, CM, DPO, U/S, SA, POAS, PG, PCOS, EWCM, FMP, FSH, HPT, OPK, AI, IUI, IF, M/C, and O.  And I certainly never expected our fertility doctor to say that if our next step in aggressiveness doesn't work after 3 rounds, it's time to think about IVF.  Heck, I never expected to have a fertility doctor.

Thus far, we have completed some time trying on our own and 3 rounds of Clomid at 50 mg.  With the fertility clinic we have done one round of Clomid at 100 mg and one at 150 mg, both followed by an hCG trigger shot on the day of an LH surge or on CD 15.  The 150 mg cycle also included Estrogen supplements.

After this past cycle didn't work out, our doctor at the fertility clinic wanted to have a re-consultation with us.  We post-poned our vacation one day knowing that we would stress about it all weekend if we didn't go, and met with Dr. W on Friday.  He would like us to try a new drug, Femara, followed by an hCG trigger shot, followed by intrauterine insemination (IUI).  My hopes are high, yet I try to temper them, knowing that this could be just another up/down on the hope/despair cycle.  But it could also be something else . . 

I never expected to watch my friends become pregnant, have babies, and then do it over again . . and to feel so left out.  Infertility is an incredibly lonely and isolating experience.  I feel invisible and unacknowledged.  It is heart-breaking; it is full of ups and downs; it is stressful; and if you haven't gone through it . . you just don't get it.  Going to church is so hard.  Social situations are so hard.  Listening to people's well-meaning, yet insensitive advice is so hard.  

What to say to someone/a couple struggling with infertility is a topic for another day, but I will say here that being told that we're young and being told to be patient are the worst things ever.  Yes, we are young, but we want this!  We want to be parents, and we have wanted for this for 2 years!  Yes, patience is a virtue, but we have an actual problem.  We could be patient for 10 years, but without help, we are probably not going to get pregnant.

I never expected this trial, and I know that Ben didn't either.  Although I often can't see it, I know that all of my trials will be for my good.  I know that I am being refined in the Refiner's fire.  My faith is growing and I know that Heavenly Father loves me.  I know that my trials can help me to be compassionate and loving and help others in their times of trial.  

Ben and I are doing this together, and what strength that knowledge brings!  How grateful I am to have him!  We can "gut it out" together!  I know that I am so loved by so many, particularly my family.  My gratitude and love for them and their support grows by the day.

I don't know when this privilege will be ours, but I (try to) have hope and faith that that day will come.  Who knows . . maybe now that I've blogged about it, it will happen right away!

I know there are some for whom this blog is just too much information, too personal.  And that's okay.  But I need to be seen and I need to be heard.  Infertility sucks.

Ben's Century Ride

Last Saturday Ben did a 100-mile "century ride" in Marin County with our friend Ross.  Go Ben!  

Ben said the road were really bumpy, the hills were really steep, and the wind was turbulent.  Yet, for some reason, he had the best day and finished with a big smile on his face.  Then, he concluded his ride with a Double-Double.  What could be better?  (Well, I hit up the outlets for some shopping . . and that was pretty awesome.)

Check out these beautiful shots from his day.

Lime Ridge Open Space

We live in such a beautiful world!  We explored a little bit of Lime Ridge Open Space this afternoon . . what a gorgeous day!

View of Walnut Creek.

 We climbed to the top of a very steep hill and at the top of the hill was a lone tree with a swing!  We swung, we ate our picnic lunch, we sat in the tree . .   Quite possibly the cutest/romantic thing ever.

And then we laid on our blanket and rested.  What a beautiful day!

Emily Stays

Last weekend my 8-year-old sister was our's to take care of.  What a trip she is!

The week before, I took her to the airport to fly UNACCOMPANIED to New Mexico to spend a week with cousins there.  Ben happened to have a flight at the exact same time for business.

Emily and her American Girl Doll, ready to fly by themselves.

A week later, Emily flew back, and it was our turn to take care of her!

New Mexico was clearly exhausting because any time we were in the car for more than 15 minutes, she fell asleep.  This is on the way home from the airport.

Friday night - Giant's game with Ganon/Laurel!

Asleep again, on the way home from the game.

Saturday morning - Mormon Helping Hands project with our stake at the Fred Finch Youth Center in Oakland.

Do you see the Oakland Temple in the background?

Asleep on the way from the fabric store to our afternoon hike.

My little model - Lime Ridge Open Space.

The Olde San Francisco Creamery.

Doggy print pajama pants for my little girl.

It wasn't a bad trade - we watch Emily for 4 days and receive a box of Laduree macarons straight from Paris!